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This is a complex question and requires some patience so bare with me.. I am 19 years old. Been on a path of “spiritual awakening” or understanding of self and universe for about 4 maybe 5 years now. I would not consider myself to be religious nor atheist. Since I believe religion is just a way for individuals to become intermediaries between “GOd” and the masses to gain wealth authority and power and control which is what all religions have successfully integrated into society for Millennium I do not believe someone needs to go to temple or church to connect with the divine oneness however this is not the purpose of this question..
I have been meditating since that time in the hope of benefiting my self in various ways that meditation does. I have studied religious concepts and symbolism in my own time and just putting pieces together. I have taken many standpoints and corridors to knowledge and understanding. Psychological techniques, physiological techniques, cognitive behavioural therapy. I have ingested various psychoactive compounds to alter the perception of my reality. I have come a long way from when I started and have learn-ed many so called “truths”.. Cabala, eastern spirituality Hinduism, quantum physics. I have taken aspects from everything, since every subject comes under one “the workings of the universe” I realise this collective reality we all share is only a tiny fraction since we only decode the universe in 5 senses which is a huge limiter to data. We are computers (biological) programmes, running a software.
I am x10 less ignorant then I was 3 years ago, 10x more open minded, yet with all this I feel more alone then ever I feel with every step I take in the road another two more present themselves I feel my faith is soon going to collapse it feels my life is breaking down, and I am in forever darkness.
I started meditation through the “dark force” intention focused on negative drives such as being greater then everybody else shining brighter then everybody. Using hatred as fuel, if I was angry I would meditate with the emotion of anger for that person and keep it burning.. After a while I REALISED, that this was only self consuming and so changed everything I was doing.
I have become a lot better at it all now but still I have problems using the “chakra” model I can tell my primary issues resolve where the so called “anahata” chakra is located or otherwise the heart centre which I understanding is symbolic for the “we” level the dimension humans share, compassion for self and others reside here, I have heard in order to progress in spiritual level one must master there lower 4 chakras well quite frankly my 4th feels fucked.. I Tried to commit suiced 2 months ago because I lost my job (poor excuse) but for three years my life has felt like it is on repeat and I feel stagnant and waste, ungrateful, unapreciative I managed to sever all ties with family because of my own selfish desires (all I had in mind was party, and I would do anything to do that I had no care to find work or study) after a while the partying was no longer a decent scapegoat from my negative feelings and I soon had the revelation of what I had been doing… One day 2 months ago I had enough and after much time spent contemplating death and the after life I decided that today was the day I was going to do it. I took 50 tablets of paracetamol. I did not care that my family and friends would be devastated of my death nor the potential of a timeless void for the rest of eternity after my life force had dwindled away from my physical body. All I thought was “why spend a life filled with unsatisfied desires and disappointment” 6 hours after taking them I started throwing up (obviously by this point I had already digested most of the tablets) One thing about paracetamol overdose is. You don’t just pop a handful of pills and nighty night. Of to the dream world never to return again… It can take days to die at which point I did not realise. Going to bed with the certainty of death the next morning only to find myself waking up in excruciating agony… So I failed and spent seven days in hospital. How humiliating. Strangely I was not glad I survived and to this very second kind of wish I had died.
I have too much hatred in my heart, maybe I have corrupted myself, maybe I was born twisted, maybe drugs, alcohol and weed have altered my mind state to a pessimistic one. Maybe I have been meditating wrongly. “I am skeptical of everything by the way” And open minded and question everything from every angle maybe too much. How do I rid my self of desires and this reptilian mind. Forget enlightenment a little piece of mind would be nice I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster with extremes ends of the emotional spectrum please help any comments?
Is it worth it to do a 10 day Vipassana course?
I’m 16 but would love to do it, but my parents say Vipassana is a wacky cult.
Vipassana Meditation: http://www.dhamma.org/ I am almost 17 and when I am 18 I will do a 10 day course.
Even Jesus meditated!
I love this Master! I see miracles of healing and spiritual breakthroughs happening to people all around him, everywhere he goes in the world. The India Ashram has the largest Parad Mercury ShivLingam in the world – meditation there is absolutely incredible! Gurunath is an true and secret Avadhoot and light for humanity in a very dark current period for humanity. Gurunath has the most amazing power to heal at every level body, mind and spirit. See him wherever, whenever you can! Namaste
Thank you so much: “camouflaged behind every material desire is god spark”, Definition” in your spectrum of vision each “pixle” dot, or point that makes your vision up is you/God … focus inward and draw in the point to your true self… as if the sun reflecting its grace onto the moon, the moon thinking the glory of light is its joy, not til the moon realized it as a reflection shall it go humbly back into the bosom of the sun