“When a man and woman are all in oneness, thus clasped together, there is nothing in the whole world to surpass the superb joy of that moment.”
— The Kamasutra
I asked a very good friend of mine, who is into tantra, if his sex life before tantra was any different or was it just as good? He responded, that for many years he thought he had amazing sex, but he was always drunk or high. He said, that once he had an orgasm, he wanted another one the next day, and sometimes another one in the same day, with another woman.
He said, “I looked at women as a physical presence and they there to satisfy me. I constantly changed partners.” I asked, if he just wanted sex and he met a woman willing to be with him, why then did he keep changing partners. Was it because he did not want to commit to anyone? He responded, “Sex can be monotonous when one feels a sense of duty to perform. The hot and heavy affairs when two people spend all their time being physical does not last long. However, if you have an orgasm when you are connected, you feel a sense of joy for days. You think about wanting to be with this person, whether it leads to sex or not. When there is no obligation to do or be much of anything than just to be together, then it is more natural and brings much more pleasure. It brings together the flesh, the blood and the spirit.”
What is Trantra
Tantra is not about sex, it is about life. It happens that within the life span of humans, sex is very important for intimacy, relationship, and procreation. When we make love with the goal of just being together, we open ourselves up to appreciate everything. When we do not think about how much we want an orgasm or that should have one or fake one so our partner feels adequate, it is then that the most amazing of orgasms is available to us. Why? Because an orgasm that is created from a connection, results in deeper sensations of pleasure.
Tantra encompasses an approach to experiencing life and pleasure fully. Tantra includes tango dancing, decorating a vase with flowers, cooking a meal with your partner, taking a bath, creating music, balancing a checkbook, and so much more.
For some of us, the daily routine of life and survival impacts on our time to communicate, touch, care, and spend time together. It can get to the point where the relationship is more of a support system, then a whole relationship. Also for some people in long-term relationships, there is a tendency for lovemaking to become a routine which reduces the capacity for enjoyment. Practicing tantra and love opens up possibilities to connect, nurture and enhance a relationship both spiritually and physically.
Tantra Lovemaking Tips
Some of the basic techniques of tantra are as follows:
1) Breath. Breathing is an energy that is essential to life. Many sex experts agreed that attention to the breath can enhance sex in many ways. It is in the breathing that we can achieve the results we want when we connect to our partner. Our breathing changes depending on what we are doing and experiencing. When we are in the heat of passion, our breathing is the fastest. When our breathing is slow we are relaxed. It is when we are in a calm state that our body is open to receiving pleasure. Diaphragmatic or belly breathing is very good way to slow down your breathing and relax. For men, another advantage to belly breathing is that they can use it as technique to last longer before having an orgasm. The premise is that one of the signs that orgasms is approaching is it that our heart rate increases and our breathing quickens. So the first step in controlling arousal rate is deep and slow breathing.
Belly breathing is very easy to do. To see yourself belly breathing, lie down, put one hand on your abdomen and one hand one your chest.
– Take a deep breath in through your nose. Inhale into your belly. Notice the hand on your abdomen go up as your belly gets full, the hand on your chest, slightly moves, and your shoulders stay almost still throughout the process.
– Breathe out, preferably, through your mouth (use your nose, if it is more comfortable for you). Feel the hand on your belly go down, as you push all the air out.
– Keep breathing in and out slowly for 3-5 minutes.
2) Be open. The Tantra vision accepts everything. Everything that a person experiences is an opportunity for learning. Nothing is viewed negatively in Tantra, but as a teaching. There are a myriad of reasons for wanting sex: you want to express the love you have for your partner; your lonely; you need to fill a void inside yourself; you want excitement; you want to feel someone loves you; you want to hold and love someone, you want to feel attractive or special; you need to release sexual tension that is built up inside you, or you are motivated by wanting children. It does not matter what your reason is, regardless of whether it is thought to be good or bad, in tantra it does not matter. Everything is seen as an opportunity to understand your motivations better.
3) Be present. The present moment is always the most important moment of your life. Therefore, live it with mindful awareness. It is important to stay focused on you and the sexual and emotional feelings of your partner during lovemaking. If while you are with your partner, your minds drifting elsewhere, then you are not being present.
Being present is necessary to loving. If you are not present, how do you know if what you are doing is opening or closing your partner. Giving priority to your thoughts and desires and being absent from your the desires of your partner, reinforces separateness, not loving connectedness.
To bring you back, use all of your senses. Become aware of your breathing, smell your partner, look into the eyes of your partner (a window into their soul), touch your partner, taste their lips. This practice aids in putting us into a common space and rhythm from which to relate.
4) Spoon. Try spending five minutes every day in the spoon position (spooning). The spoon position is when the two of you lie front to back, with the person in the back placing a hand over the heart of the person in the front. Holding each other this way creates a loving harmonious space.
Gently begin to breathe together. It is usually best for the slightly faster breather to follow the slower breather. Do not over think it. Just enjoy holding each other.
5) Say what is in your heart. When we say what is in our hearts in a way that is not condescending, is respectful, and free of judgment and blame, it opens up and creates closer connections and relationships. It provides for the opportunity for compassionate listening and improved communication.
6) Be mindful about what you say about sex and what you say about sex with your partner. You can make sex be whatever you want. Some people refer to sex using negative terms. It can be that. But, it can rise higher than that. It is a possibility, not a fixed experience or a specific act. It is hand holding, it is hugging, it is love, it can become prayer. It depends on you.
7) Risk something with your partner. Be willing to go outside of your comfort zone. Try something new in your lovemaking. Tell your partner something about yourself that very few people know, make a request that you are not sure will be answered with a “yes.”
8) Be forgiving and willing to resolve tension. Do not wait for your partner to say, “I am sorry,” or to make up. Be the first. Remember that when you forgive, it is life that is, greatly, enriched.
9) Be the reflection of love. Feel your worthiness for being loved. When your partner says “I love you,” pause, breath, reflect, and take in the words and the meaning of the words you just heard. Repeat to yourself, “I am loved.” Then, draw your attention to your partner, and return a loving gesture or compliment.
In closing, increased ability to feel love, intimacy, and a connection with your partner during sex is the difference between “good sex” and “ecstatic sex.” If you feel you are losing the loving connection you once had, my own experience has been that practicing the above techniques can create a new vision in which to build your loving connection again. Keep in mind contacting a Tantra specialist/therapist, if you want additional guidance, is also an option.