With the statistics showing that divorce is at an all time high the level of support for divorcees has skyrocketed to help people get through this very difficult time in their lives and find a way to move on. Unfortunately that level of support is extremely skewed to help women, not men dealing with divorce! So with divorce support for men so low what does a man after divorce do? OR perhaps more importantly what should they NOT do!

The first problem most guys face is coping with the reality of being a divorcee. This can sometimes take some time to sink in and before the realization settles men can go through a wide range of emotions and actions. Many can refuse to believe they are really divorced, in their hearts they are still married even if they do not feel in love and others feel in love but feel separated. To cope with these things men will usually do one of two things: Nothing or Everything! When they do nothing they can become deeply depressed and a recent statistic shows they are much more likely than the woman to commit suicide, whether this stems from the lack of support for men compared to women or just that men are more susceptible to these things is unclear but since men are usually creatures of action doing the opposite can be very detrimental to their mental health.

The opposite effect is that the man tries to cope with this new situation by doing as much as he can with his life so he does not have to focus on his emotions. A great focus on work or on socializing or some other activity to keep himself busy becomes the main goal in the mans life. While this can be better than the lethargy of depression men often do things they regret during this period such as; sleeping around to fill the void of intimacy, alcoholism, getting into fights, and of course not resolving their emotional conflict.

To compound these issues women are more likely to have a social network of friends they can rely on to help them emotionally whereas the man will not have the relationships with his friends to talk about such things and the man himself may not feel comfortable looking for help from other men even professionals.

So where is a divorced man suppose to go for help? There may be no perfect advice for men after divorce and while we can generalize on the character of males we are all different enough that we all need different solutions. The best advice I have heard however that man is is a natural problem solver, give a man the information and tools he needs to solve a problem and he will eventually build something that works. Divorce support for men may simply be giving a man as much easily accessed information so he can occupy himself with solving his own problems. Men dealing with divorce and separation may always be seen as lesser problem than the women but thanks to the internet it is much easier for men to access the help they need without the social stigma and embarrassment they might feel in real life.

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  1. xiM Clutch says:

    The mother of my three kids and I had a divorce about ten months ago but we’d been separated for about two years. During that time I met a woman who is significantly younger than me and I remarried in January. My children, two girls, 12 and 16 and my son, 17, were relatively okay with the separation and even with me dating but when Crystal moved in things started going south. My ex-wife and I agreed to joint custody since we now live less than an hour away from each other but she decided to take a year off in France and leave the kids with me. Everything was okay at first but when Crystal and I got married and she moved in my kids completely changed.

    My son has started to not do any school work and he was caught smoking weed on the school premises. He nearly got suspended and lost his place on the swim team but I convinced the principal to let him off if I promised to punish him effectively but I have no idea what punishment is suitable! He also called Crystal a bitch last week. They’d gotten into an argument about something insignificant and she told him he was a pathetic disrespectful little boy and he told her that she wasn’t much older than him and that I could be her father. He said that she was only with me for the money and he said that made her a gold digging bitch. I told him off for a bit but then let him off with a ‘Say sorry to Crystal.’ which he refused to do. Crystal got really upset and told me to punish him but then my son said something that broke my heart, he said ‘Go ahead Dad, do you worst. I may have lost this argument but you’ve lost a son.’ He hasn’t talked to me since then and I know he’s been really awful but he’s gone through a lot and I just want him to know that I’m there for him no matter what. But I also want Crystal to know that I would do anything for her and yet I can’t do both.

    My 16 year old daughter is a total nightmare to deal with. She quit her activities and gets detentions every week. She dresses in hardly anything; little skimpy tops and tight skirts and shorts. She also sneaks out a lot even though I’ve been very kind with her curfew. The other day she came down in these shorts that showed her bum and sort of bustier thing. Basically it looked like a bikini and Crystal gently told her that it wasn’t appropriate to wear to the cinema if it was going to be dark and there was going to be old strange men. She just raised an eyebrow and said ‘Well your not my Mum so I couldn’t care less what you think. What do you have to say Dad?’ I was torn because I agreed 100% with Crystal but I’m was terribly desperate to bond with my daughter and she always gets stroppy when she doesn’t get her way. So I said that maybe it would look nicer with a coat over it and maybe jeans. I offered her quite a bit of money to go buy herself something nice. She said ‘Look I don’t have time to change. And I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal Crystal is wearing the same thing.’ Crystal was actually wearing knee length shorts and a spaghetti strap top but my daughter tends to exaggerated. I felt small and scared to make a wrong move but I ended up just asking her to put on atleast a cardigan because it was cold. Crystal was upset with me and said that I never sided with her on anything. I can’t please anyone and it’s so hard.

    My littlest one hasn’t talked to me since February. She just talks to her brother and sister and if she wants to tell me something she gets them to pass on a message. I have tried everything but she ignores me. I’ve tried spoiling her, making her laugh, telling her off, spending the day with her but still nothing.

    Sorry this was so long but I am desperate to just bond with my children to just be able to talk to them. I love them so much and I wish they could know that. I have tried family counselling, during the divorce, but they all said that they hated it.PLEASE help me solve this as soon as possible. Soon their Mum will be back and I’ll have even less time to spend with them and I regret every minute that passes by that I’m not a part of their life. I just want to welcome Crystal into the family while still keeping the family together. Help!