1. louisewoods1984 says:

    I have severe depression and am doing what I can to get treatment right now but seem stalled in the progress of my life. I feel I have been depressed since I was 5 years old. Then again how could I even be totally sure what severe depression is at that age. I was a very “quiet child” and basically hid away in a corner, preffered to be left alone, but was in extreme anguish most of the time. I never really had a severe breakdown durring any of this time, but was on the “verge” of a breakdown from the ages of 12 until today. 24. Actually the last few years after graduating college have been my worse years and I often think about suicide. I have no friends and often wonder if I have aspergers. However I am sad all the time, and it is not that I do not understand social situations, or anything like that. It is more that I am too disturbed/ upset to want anything to do with people. I know it is common for people to have major depression, or mental illnesses, but sometimes I feel more cripple because it was so “invisible” in me. I was never a trouble maker, and in college I went to class and then came home to my apartment and then basically locked myself in my room. Worrying about what everyone “thought” of me and trying to comprehend everything, Googling hundreds of anxieties into the google search bar. It seems so unfair. All these years of silent suffering. I swear most people with 1 5th of the mental illnesses I have would have broke down years ago and would not have been such good camelions. I could not hide it completely but I did my best to pretend that noting was wrong/ that my issues did not exist. Is there any hope for me? It seems that at my age it is beyond hope. I mean I am 24 years old and have no friends, don’t go out, don’t do anything. I am unemployed and none of the jobs I have had ever seemed to work out. Once I had a job for 3 months and I was fired just before my 90 days probation. So I went to the train tracks and stood there. Waiting. Retards who cannot earn a living for themselves might as well just be planted afterall. However I could not do it. Just the thought of hearing the breaks squealing and seeing the white light/ hundreds of metal wheels and this giant thing looming towards me knowing that every bone in my body would be crushed instantly was too much. However it would have been less painful than hanging since my spine would have been severed instantly, and would only take perhaps 20 seconds to lose consciousness. However I could not do it. However honestly why would I want to live if I am too mentally retarded to even do a “retard job” I went to school so that I would not have to do menial labour. It was my main motive for going to college. I thought once I got out I could make some money and then work on making some friends/ doing stuff/ getting involved in the community etc. However if I do not even have a reasonable income coming in there is no point. I have to conserve every peny I have, and I have to be filled with self hate for not succeeding.

    I think my best days are behind me now.

  2. I hate being by myself even for a few hours.. I believe it might be the fact I have a slight problem with depression any ways to deal with it besies cutting, pills, and food??

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